I think I have committed treason. Treason against the person I love. Every time I have a mental emotional episode I text my best friend who Japanese and with whom I have met him through. She never hears the good moments, just those moments were I am sad and it has caused her to have ill thoughts about my boyfriend when she advised me from the beginning to be careful because he is a busy man.
I disregarded the advisory because he was and still is such a kind and gentle man. So why am I have sooo many episodes? Why do I always feel like I want to run for the hills. I was talking to her again today and she is very unhappy and she thinks maybe I should end it. The treason I committed was that I told her that I think I want to end it.
Why is it I don’t leave. It is because he hasn’t done anything really wrong. Our communication is very shabby but he treats me with the upmost respect and love and when he says he is going to do something he does it. When we make plans, he is there on time. He tells me I can come see him whenever I want and he always asks when I can come. I have know that he is super busy working 7 days a week. It is a lot better then a man roaming the streets sticking in goods in places they don’t belong.
It is Sunday and he is in a meeting right now with Tokyo. He is also the president and he has a board of directors. If he doesn’t set a standard and perform, he is kicked out of the business he built from scratch. Yes he chooses work, but he has never chosen it over me yet.
So why do I have amnesia all the time. He has laid it all out there for me. The thing is I don’t ask him for anything and I don’t tell him how I feel or ask questions, which I should. This happens not just with him but in past relationships.
I mastered my single self… I am still very fucked up in the relationship self department…
Why is it I never ask him for anything? Why is it I hold back from communicating my thoughts? I don’t know why but I need to start saying what’s on my mind or I will continue to hurt myself and eventually him.
I also have noticed that not only my boyfriend, but many japanese people are very silent. I have heard of the concept in Japan that silence is more respectable. Take that and a communication barrier and we have hear a man marked with unknown territory and I have began to explore. American men… Got them pretty much figured out and I know what to expect…. My man… Woah how I get lost.
One moment he is quiet and just hanging out. The next we are all lovey dovey on the couch. He doesn’t speak much about himself unless I ask. Silence is considered back for us… Silence is considered good for them…
Fuck!
So I am to a point that I am keeping my relationship to myself. Keep it between us. If I talk to my best friend about it then the person I need answers from never hears the questions. I almost committed treason by dampening his image when in reality it is not him, it is me…
I knew that my happiness was in my control. So why have I leaned so much on him? Sooooo much more to learn about myself!
My friend is a bit mad at me now because I defend him afterwards, I never said anything directly bad about him, it’s all about how I don’t understand him….
She thinks now that I should REALLY be single and she wants to bust the windows out if his car lol!
I must find a way to resolve this. His kindness is not worth giving up. Long distance… What a trip!!!!
Love from New York City to Tokyo 
Felt like hearing my own story. Wish you luck, mate!
Thank you! If you would like to share your own story I would love to hear it! 🙂
I wish you luck as well!
I know I really have no right to give my opinion on the matter. Especially since truth is an abstract thing in this world I will never know the entire story but only as you see it but I did want to give this bit of advice and maybe you already understand this. but love is a complicated emotion that I am sure you are aware of based off your struggles. It can be a beautiful thing if handled the right way. If your love is humble and selfless and the others needs fall before your own that is a beautiful thing. Yet, love can be twisted and can become jealous, conniving and controlling. The problem is as imperfect humans we have to find a peaceful balance between the two since both are part of our nature. Really, all I want to say is to cheer up and to not beat yourself up to much over falling to one side for a bit what matters (in my opinion) is striving for the best for both of your needs and I think you are doing a great job so far.
P.s. I hope nothing I said offended you but I just wanted to help in some small way I guess….good luck ^_^
Oh wow! Your words are amazing. Thank you for them! You are completely right! Before starting this blog I thought that I had everything under control and that love was an emotion, if you focused enough, could be controlled. I have witnessed otherwise. Thank you for your advice! Your words reminded me to do exactly as you said “to not beat yourself up to much over falling to one side for a bit.” That is one beauty I have forgotten to own. I tried to disown it and it control over my emotions.
I think love becomes jealous, conniving, and controlling when you feel like you don’t have something. I do have the essentials… his love, respect, kindness, and his effort. I think if I take those words you said and understand that I may fall to the dark side, but to let myself fall and to to grow from each lesson, then I can be successful. Also, I watch Pocahontas today. As the story goes…. Listen to your heart. I did that today and I feel calm. I must go on to my next adventure and not only trust my gut, but to trust my heart with love. I didn’t know I was lacking this and I was letting my mind take over!
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words and I would love to hear them anytime!
Your very welcome ^_^ I look forward to your future post and perhaps I can be a friend from afar who can give a bit of “advice” or shared experience every once in a while. Good luck but I am sure you won’t need it.