I never wish that pain on anyone. I heard that news over the phone and I fell to the floor. This man I had thought I finally was over. He called me and I refused his phone call for the first time after 5 years of tortured love. I refused him and he died later on that day. I thought I died that day too. All the bad throughout the years meant nothing to those very few special moments we had together. I was lost in depression, and grief knowing that the only person I have ever been successful at loving was gone from my world. I felt that there was no one left in the world for me and I was to be alone forever.
It was April when he left. I found out a week later and his funeral had passed. In June I started dating another man who was my first relationship. I was still grieving, but he was a comfort. He was stable and secure. I thought I loved him, I tried to love him, and I hoped to love him… but I just couldn’t. He was another man who looked at me as someone who needed to be fixed.
However, he had his own baggage and was afraid of me as well. He was afraid of all the things that happened to him in the past, I would do. We both thought we loved each other. He was a smart man and as time passed he started to try and control me. He didn’t respect my thoughts or feelings so he would tell me how I felt. I was never allowed to be smarter then him. I slowly started to drift away and he tried to control me more. I tried for two years. Small dreams I had wanted to achieve I put aside because he didn’t like them. I felt old and disconnected while I was in college. College is the time of your life and I tried to grasp a hold of it as much as I could. I tried to leave him many times but I was afraid to be on my own. Then my opportunity came.
I finally had enough of his controlling nature. I decided to regain my small dreams and follow them. One of those dreams was to study abroad. My girl friend from Japan encouraged me to go to her home country. I almost missed the deadline to study at Temple University Japan, but I made it. I applied and I was accepted. This was the beginning for a new phase of my life. Japan was my savior. It was a chance for me to live on my own again and regain that strength torn away from me. It was chance to find peace and to see if I missed my ex-boyfriend.
I left for Tokyo… and I was never happier. I didn’t miss my ex. I felt happy. I felt a weight lifted of my shoulders. I felt FREE. I dated a lovely guy during my time out there that taught me how I should be treated, how I should feel. He wasn’t afraid to love and care for me. I wasn’t afraid to care for him. Our time slowly ended and we parted ways.
When I came back home, I was brand new. A new found interest in eastern philosophy such as Buddhism and Confucianism helped to shape my course. I was ready to move forward. During my time away I learned that the reason I couldn’t love anyone else was because I was trying not to love that boy. I knew I had to learn to love him so I could let go. It was OK to love him and to free myself from him. In time I felt free. The issue I still had was trust. After two very bad and failed relationships, I still believed that men were the enemy. It was now instinct for me to pull away when a man came too close.
Buddhism and Lao Tzu helped me to find my way through the dark. I realized that it wasn’t them I didn’t trust, it was my own heart and actions. Everything that happened had to do with my internal struggle. My heart wasn’t broken and in pieces. It was bruised and I kept punching the same bruise over and over again. I decided to embark on a journey to finally be alone with myself and learn to love myself so that one day I can love again. What an amazing journey it was. I started a new artistic career of pursuing music after college. I wrote everyday of all the things I kept inside and to myself. I share them through my music. All the things I have tried to deal with alone.
I meditated everyday, I learned to be alone with myself. I learned to love my gifts and to love the bad parts about me because in reality they are not bad. They are what makes me who I am. Three years I spent alone on this journey. I had accepted the fact that I would be alone. I accepted that I might not have a kids or a husband. I decided I would focus on my career. Finally I had a time in my adult life where a man didn’t matter. A smart young, and educated woman was finally free of her woes and feeling stronger then ever.
My female friends lived in my strength. It gave them strength. I help them to see that as a woman, we are special creatures and we are strong and to embrace this. I have always had a big heart and fun free-spirit that loved life. I shared this with my girl friends from all over the world, to help empower them to be young independent women themselves. I had the time to support them and see them through so many life goals and achievements. This was love I needed. I made 3 very close girl friends during those three years and I loved them with all my heart.
I spent even more of my time with my young nieces and nephew. I experienced their little achievements as well. I was no longer afraid of loneliness. I relished in it. It was my muse and it encouraged me in my artistic craft.
They do say love comes when you are not looking for it. I was on a bus heading to New York City with my girl friend, the one who encouraged me to go to Japan in the first place. We were taking the bus from a Japanese supermarket in North Jersey heading to New York City to visit some old friends while she was in the country. I entered the small bus first. She entered second but then spotted someone. She told me to wait as she went to greet this person. He entered the bus with her and sat down. She introduced us and it wasn’t anything out of the norm. I spoke a bit of Japanese and he spoke a bit of English. He continued to converse with my friend in Japanese. Finally, he handed me a business card.
I contacted him to see about meeting up as friends while he was doing business here. We met but due to him being very busy we couldn’t continue for much longer. Later on that night he asked me out. I thought as a friend. I later learned on a date. It was amazing. It was nice to be on a date. There was some kind of sensitivity there that charmed me. He was kind and sweet.
As time went on I realized that even though I had accepted I would be alone, life has something else in store for me. I couldn’t explain to you still what is connecting us, but it is something I cannot explain. He makes me nervous and I feel so calm at the same time. It is refreshing and it became love.
All of my demons are not gone yet. I am still fighting with learning how to love again. I love him, that is a fact. However, as we explore new plateaus I still get scared and I want to run. However, I sit down and look at myself and why I am scared. We experience distance a lot. It has made me scared again. I fight through all of this fear and I finally have someone I am getting close to again.
The language barrier has been more of a blessing then an issue. I have been so use to depending on words so much. His method is like my post about INDIRECT VS. DIRECT communication. I am learning to use my body language and my intuition instead of my mind running wild and free. I am getting back to the basics and I am learning how to be in love with someone who loves and respects my mind body and soul. He is encouraging and he is kind. I am learning how to be in a relationship where both people genuinely love each other. We are working hard for each other. Finally, for the first time in 25 years… I am in love… and I appreciate it.
Love from New York City to Tokyo 